Landlord Joke

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

Virgin? Mary

mentalfloss

Check out these and other shirts at mentalfloss.com

Lesbian Speed Dating

Thanks for this Eliot. So true!

Posters

How the Mormon Stole Everything

Watch Gay Video & Lesbian Movies

Bush or Batman?

haha!!

Graduation!

Funny photos

Bet she's veg!

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Going to Hell

I am going to hell for this.

I truly believe that you should laugh at EVERYTHING. There is little to no things that I get offended at. Therefor I tend to tell jokes in "bad taste". Who is anyone to tell me that what I think is funny is distasteful. There is a reason why they are called jokes.

Joke -Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line. A mischievous trick; a prank. An amusing or ludicrous incident or situation. Something not to be taken seriously; a triviality

So in that case you can hate me all you want for telling this joke but you know that it is funny and deep down inside you are cracking up. :)

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

oh yeah!

http://www.toilette-humor.com/male_humor/got_milk/index.shtml

Hate

I came across this on the net. How can so much hatred be inside a person? Basically this is what happened. On May 28th KRXQ 98.5 FM Sacramento's Rob, Arnie, & Dawn in the Morning radio talk show they got on the subject of transgendered children. Dawn attempted to fight against the hate but the other two host just wouldn't have it. I have red several comments about the show but I didn't think it was fair to pass judgment on them without hearing it out of the horses mouth. I gave them the benefit of the doubt and thought that perhaps the quotes were taken out of context. You know inflection is lost in writing so I set out to find the show online. It took a lot of searching but I finally found the whole thing. There were several websites that had snip its but was finally able to find the complete discussion. Here is where it can be found. I was shocked to say the least. There is so much hatred in this show that it made me sick to my stomach. I would like to quote some of the most shocking and illogical statements. That way if you don't want to listen to 30min of tasteless, uneducated, bullshit you can get the drift.

"All boys grab mommy's lipstick and put it on. You know why? Because they are stupid little kids. And they need to be told that they are boys and they don't get to put lipstick on. It is not that they are girls trapped in boys bodies. That what they say when you don't correct the behavior." Why is it that boys can't wear makeup. It is something that our culture has told us is wrong. It is not a golden standard. It is just like any other idea that is spoon fed to America.

"... if the kid ever gets to 18 and still feels that way you say fine you are a failure, get out, be a freak. Understand SON, society will never accept you because we still have some moral judgment" This statement is interesting. Hmm... Even though I am not Christian I can probably assume that they are talking about the moral judgment according to Christian standards. So it would only be fair to hold him to the same standards. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."-John 8:7 I did some research and found out some information about one of the host. In 1997 he was charged with a DUI and he currently admits to talking prescription pills for recreational purposes. His on air persona "can be summed up as a racist, sexist, ignorant Texan." Sounds like a well rounded Christian with excellent standards. He have every right to pass judgment on these "freaks".

"Dawn, they are freaks... they are abnormal" "What they need is some tough love therapy. Who will tell them to wake up, get over it, whatever it is that caused this stupid problem." "Transgenders are a creation of the human psyche as a result of seeing other people get attention for their weird behavior." There is a great quote by one of my favorite comedians, David Cross. He talks about this choice issue. "There's no 16 year old heterosexual boy, confused, socially akward, y'know, acne scarred kid sittin' around in his bedroom going, God everyone hates me and no girls, the girls that I like don't like me, and um, I don't know what to do, and the thought of having sex with another man is physically repellent to me...but y'know...maybe it's time I invite even more nonstop harassment into my life. Yeah that'll be fun, things have been going so easy why don't I just introduce the concept of getting the shit kicked out of me for no good reason by a bunch of fucking retards." Need I say more?

"Transgenders did not exist 4 decades ago. We have created this entire culture and we continue to allow it." "When you allow the transgenders to exist, pretty soon it becomes normal to fall in love with the animals." I don't know where this quote comes from but I think it is very true and can be applied to this situation. "Letting gay people marry will lead to people marrying animals... Just like women voting led to hamsters voting. As far as the comment about Transgendered people not existing 4 decades ago... well he couldn't be more wrong. Perhaps he should do some research on Elagabalus. "Herodian commented that Elagabalus pampered his natural good looks by wearing too much make-up. He was described as having been "delighted to be called the mistress, the wife, the Queen of Hierocles" and was said to have offered vast sums of money to the physician who could equip him with female genitalia. Subsequently, Elagabalus has often been characterized by modern writers as transgendered."


"I am sorry to go back to caveman days, but men are hunters and women are gathers. 'We have progressed.' No we haven't, nature hasn't progresses." I honestly don't think I need to say anything here. It pretty much screams ignorance.

"My favorite part about hearing these stories about the kids in high school who the entire high school caters around and lets the boy wear the dress… I look forward to when they go out into society and society beats them down and they end up in therapy." Again, I don't think that I need to say anything about this either.

"The local minority will lead to full acceptance. And what goes on in these high schools is they hide behind tolerance and what goes on in the high school will go on in the real world it will be a hate crime. To point to that jerk in the work place and tell him that he is nut job… that is where we are headed in twenty years. No one can say anything bad about anyone. No one can have an opinion that differs from anybody that’s different." How long will it take for conservatives to understand that we aren't taking away their opinions. We want to just have respect. You don't have to like Jews, but you have to treat them like a human being. It is the same way. Oh and how horrible the world would be if it was lead to full acceptance. Holy shit! I can't imagine how corrupt the human existence would be if we all just got along.

Phobias

I was bored and decided to read a huge list of phobias. I have listed my favorites, with commentary.

Asymmetriphobia- Fear of asymmetrical things (the only people who don't like my totties)

Centophobia- Fear of new things or ideas (also known as conservatives)

Chaetophobia- Fear of hair (these people are not a fan of your legs)

Geniophobia- Fear of chins (shouldn't live in China Town)

Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis (a very lonely and pointless life)

Mythophobia- Fear of myths or stories or false statements (should not read the Bible)

Politicophobia- Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians (all of America thanks to Bush)

Proctophobia- Fear of rectums (not the men I hang out with)

Sophophobia- Fear of learning (Liberal Art majors.... wait, I guess we can't make fun of them anymore)

So true

Bo Burnham

If you don't know who Bo Burnham is then please check him out on youtube. This one is my favorite one.



"Two balls minus one is six titles in the Tour De France"

"How do you trace a scatter plot? You give the pencil to Michael J. Fox"

"If Kim is half as old as Bobby who is two years older then twelve year old Tori, for how many more 30 day months will their threesomes be considered statutory rape"

"Squaring numbers are just like women, if they're under thirteen just do them in your head"

FAIL-Religion

Mmmm.... good!

This is a random list of funny shit that I have found on the net that I had stuffed in my favorites. Enjoy!

New book
Steamin' add
Sex and calories Please note "REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent....................... 12 Calories Without her consent...................187 Calories
Fail!
DnD fans must watch
Endothermic?
BRB
Robots
Without love
Angel FAIL
Durex
Jesus?

Chewbacca!

Guys Cabinet Door Sounds Exactly like Chewbacca! - watch more funny videos