Hot off the press and guaranteed to offend!: May 2009

Please go to www.sexinchrist.com you will not be disappointed. I have quoted some of my favorite topics. Enjoy!

"Fisting as an Act of Faith

Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand. Both should treat the act of fisting as a divine spiritual mystery to be entered into with reverence and awe, especially the husband. In another spiritual interpretation of fisting, as he inserts his hand into his wife’s vagina, a man is symbolically re-enacting the moment of truth following Christ’s resurrection from the tomb."

Fist your wife, It will bring you closer to God!

"Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will

Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage."

Go ahead kids, put it in your pooper. God gave you an anus so you can save yourself for marriage.

"Christan Threesoms

Although two men having simultaneous sexual relations with one woman may not have any overt homosexual contact between them, the act of sharing a woman and being together in a sexual situation is nevertheless homoerotic and suggests implied homosexuality, as well as presenting a temptation to experiment where one may ordinarily not. For this reason, we feel it is best for a couple to avoid bringing another man into the picture. Most people assume the Biblical prohibition against male homosexuality also includes sex between women – lesbianism or female bisexuality. However, this is a questionable conclusion, since the Bible makes little or no mention of women with regard to this subject, and because the Bible, for better or worse, often holds men and women to different standards regarding sex and sexual roles. Therefore, we believe that lesbianism cannot be seen in the same light as male homosexuality through the Scriptures. Of course, this does have relevance to the issue of female homosexuality, as many lesbians do assume masculine roles and attitudes, adopt male clothing and mannerisms, and play the part of a male in their relationships with women. Women who fall into this category (“butch” lesbians, or “bulldykes”) are indeed going against nature with regards to their sexuality. At the same time, however, there are many women who engage in lesbian or bisexual activity who nevertheless maintain a traditional feminine role and demeanor (i.e., “lipstick” lesbians). Since there is no specific prohibition against lesbian sex, as long as these women remain within the boundaries of the female role prescribed by Scripture, and submit to the authority of the men in their lives, we assume it is permissible. Of course, if their husband or father objected, that would be another story."

You can be a lesbian as long as you wear a dress and your dad is ok with it.

"Bondage in Christ

BDSM does not necessarily have to involve whips and chains, black leather, or dungeon gear, although if they find these props help them get in the mood, there is not reason why Christians should not use them. There's nothing sinful about these items. In fact, they are part of the Christian heritage. As Paul wrote to the Corinthians, I beat my body and bring it into submission, for fear that by any means, that after I have preached to others, I myself should be rejected. (1 Corinthians 9:27) Many SM devices, such as floggers, whips, clamps, chastity belts, and the cat o'nine tails, bear close resemblance to used a wide array of devices early Christian penitents to whip their bodies and mortify their flesh. They did this to submit their bodies to Christ, to emulate his suffering on the Cross, and purify themselves spiritually and attain a closer union with God. Many BDSM practitioners describe a feeling of spiritual union with their partners that transcends physical sexuality.

Can a Man Be Submissive to His Wife?

This is a tricky question but a very important one that needs to be addressed. We believe that a man can adopt a submissive and servile role and allow his wife to dominate him sexually, if it is absolutely clear that outside of the bedroom, the husband is the spiritual head of the marriage. Just as a woman gives the gift of submission to her husband, there is no reason why, for their mutual sexual gratification, a man should not submit his body to his wife for her use and serve her sexually. This is totally in alignment with the Biblical command that husband and wife give each other "due benevolence"; her body is meant for his sexual enjoyment and vice versa. However, this reversal of roles in the context of sexual relations is only possible due to the sanctity of the marriage bed, and an explicit understanding on the parts of both the husband and wife that they will adopt “natural” roles in the rest of their daily lives. We would counsel against couples living the wife dominant/husband submissive roles “24/7”, as this could lead to spiritual confusion."

Tie and flog each other. It will bring you closer to Christ because he was flogged when he was dying for your sins...so go ahead and reenact this for your sexual pleasure. Also... make sure that the wife is the submissive one because she might start thinking that her opinion matters and she can do things without her husband... like leaving the kitchen.

*SIGH* I don't understand Christianity sometimes.

*So I posted this on the social networking sites that I am on and here are the best comments that were said*

Mmm, bulldykes.

oooooohhhhh I agree with the fisting but it hurts like the devil! hahaha

Just like anything else, Christianity has its uh, weird uncles that only come around on holidays. This site is so foreign to the spirituality I subscribe to that I can't even be offended. There's just no way I could associate myself with something so absolutely absurd. I kind of wish this were a prank website, but since it is worded in a way that seems legit...well, guess you can't get rid of the weird uncles of the world, can you. ;)

I have found the holy grail. The true meaning to life. I am so so so excited about it. In fact I called my best female friends and told them right away. So what is it? What could cause such excitement??

It all happened when I was surfing the web. I came across this site:

http://otoh.org/mirror/restrooms.org/standing.html

Sweet Jesus! I can pee standing up?!?!?!

I immediately ran to the bathroom and followed the seven steps. I was amazed when everything went smooth sailing. "Holy shit! I just pee-ed standing up"!

I am now drinking water and am excited and patiently waiting, for the first time in my life, for that familiar feeling.

Think about the last time that you had to use a nasty bathroom or a porta potty. Now tell me you aren't excited about this!

If anyone else tries this let me know. And for all women out there reading this: you are welcome.

Hot off the press and guaranteed to offend!

Friday, May 29, 2009

So true

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Bo Burnham

FAIL-Religion

Friday, May 22, 2009

Mmmm.... good!

Chewbacca!

Perry Bible Fellowship

XKCD

A Softer World

Fisting and God's will

The Holy Grail

Something for the gays... and the people that love them

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